Sick

I know you are trying to help me out
but I stumble enough on my own
dont let my worry be mistaken
for ungratitude
it's just that I have been living with
this wound for fourteen years now
and I fear your intervention might only make it worse
now it is small and unmoving
I feel everyday but the pain is dull
but if you treat the source
and anger it
I fear I willbe in constant pain for the rest of my life
you see the only cure for this illness
is the one who gave it to me

Since you asked

I realized something
that my search for you
isn't so much a search for love
or a search for completion
it's a search for normalicy
comfort and protection
three things that have never been in my life
and I suppose I traced them to a man
because there's never really been one of those either
I have made a new resolve
and you are part of it
I will no longer look for protection
I have it in Christ
I will no longer search for normalicy
for it does not exist
and when I need comfort I will turn to the Father
the one I've never known
but has been there all along
and I trust that you will help me with this
however simple it may seem
I know not how to do it

Desire of my heart

God gives us the desires of our heart if we follow Him
but what if we don't know what they are
does He(because HE knows everything)
already know
or does He pick whats best
or do we miss out until we decide
I think I know sometimes
then out of nowhere
something gets in the way of my goal
my goal is to please HIM
and in the process gain that one
that one who said he wasn't mine to gain
sometimes I think I give up
and another takes his place
for a moment
then they fade away
and I am looking back at him
the reflection of my heart
the one true love since I was a girl
yet will I ever decide
will God bend his heart to mine
we can only wait and see
if I know the desire of my heart

Best Friend

you know people think we're sisters
but it's more than that
you're an extension of my bieng
you know my thoughts
when you're gone
a part of me gos with you
and a part of you is with me also
that part that though unseen
makes up so much of us
it is what first drew us to eachother
it was how God fitted us together
before we began
how amazing to find another peice of you
so early in life
how comforting to know
that you're only a hug away

surface

these words were never meant to change your life
you dug too far beneath the surface
maybe I pulled you under
but either way
they were just a reflection of one feeling
one that will fade in time
do not worry
hush
there's no need to answer
don't move
there's no need to react
I only wanted you to know that you were cared for
loved is much to strong a word to some
and I see you fall into this category
but on the surface love breathes colour into
any friendship
there's no need to analize
no need to answer
no need to complicate this with details
just sit there and listen
soak up the fact that someone loves you
and you can't control it
eventually it will go into the back room of my heart
as it has time and time again
with the others that I never forgot
and it will give me added boosts of joy
throughout my life as I remember fondly
what I felt
how intense it was at the time
and I will laugh as I am right now
at your reaction
the need you felt to do something about it
to say some profound thing
to tell me my feelings are misplaced
and I would be better off loving someone else
but don't
don't do anything
don't change
don't stop and certainly
don't apologize for leading me on
I fell for what was beneath the surface
not your action or intentions
you're safe from me
I won't do anything more than I have already done
God's love is enough for me
I am used to loving without recieving
it has become part of my life
as much as walking or talking has yours
I imagine I will do it for a long time to come
God has blessed me with a big heart
and I only wanted to share with you
sorry for dragging you beneath the surface
into the deep stuff

Do you forgive me?

I seemed to have created
a fanasty land
where you and I are intertwined
can you forgive me?
I have put you in the
place where I go to be alone
and hide from the pain
can you forgive me?
I love you so much
that I could not, would not
tell myself no
can you forgive me?
the fantasy fades
the bubble pops
the pain returns
yet with you staring back at me
with that look I still wonder
can you forgive me?

What do you say?

Everything that I am about to tell you
depends are your answer to the
following question:
Who does the chasing?

should a girl silently sit by
and wait for a man
who might never see the obvious
should she guard herself against
affections from elsewhere
all the while secretly hoping
that he'll come around
maybe this time he'll ask

Or

should she stop playing coy
stop beating around the bush
just come out and say it and
change everything about the two of them forever

answer me this
does her heart break if
she in fact is the answer to
who does the chasing?

My Explaination

I wasnt planning on writing so much in one day but different writers do different things. I am what is known as a binge writer. I hit on a topic that suits me and I write about it from all angles until both it and I are completely exhausted. You can see the different topics as I add more and more. Usually they are spurted by an emotion , a person, or an event.

In today's case it was all three and none at all. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

words

every letter on this page
weaves together a portrait
a neverending story of one hearts desire
to be heard
to be held and to be
loved
words are not enough in it of themselves
but when words are accompanied
by the song each heart sings
to one another or
to the God who created them
the words transform into something bigger
something more beautiful than a man made creation
of ink and paper
thought and scribbles
but work together
like magically woven masterpeice
strung together between the clouds by the angels
filling the nothingness
in a way that surpass all understanding
these very words contain a hidden power that once unleashed
can never be taken back
I am bound to these words
just as other peoples words bind them one to another
in life
liberty
and love
those words are the foundation of life
they are the death sentence
they are the gate through which friends enter
and lovers leave
through which we influence everyone and thing aroud us
even the animals respond to our words and head them
but who am I to say
after all these are just
words
right?

Remote Control

If waiting were a choice
I would fast forward the awkward phase
as well as all those words
that when said you know will change everything
and skip the not talking stage
right to the happily everafter
but I would pause and rewind every now and then
to the days when the stuff I think is dumb
was endearing
like that stupid brown shirt
and that ugly yellow hair
not to mention the man powered car.
now where are the batteries?

never

never
I hate the word
It's like shutting off someone at the peak of their existence
only to realize they never had a chance to be
could you imagine
taking someone's breath away
and NEVER giving it back
or
hold someone so tight
and NEVER letting go
it's so final
nothing should ever be that final
even death isn't the end
there is life after death
new life
I dare you NEVER to say NEVER
again

Monday

The passion unspent
welled up within my heart
is about ready to burst out
I hope I don't do anything stupid
and if I do I hope you are there to catch me
this is a new thing
me thinking of you instead of myself
I put my hand in my pocket today
and I pulled out a piece of me
a piece I thought no longer existed
but I was wrong
it did exist
it just took a journey without me
it found you before I did and now
I have only just caught up
my hands they sweat and my skin it tingles
as I decide what to say, am I too late?
I do not know but what is equally as uncertain is
am I too early?
do I wait on you or trust my own ambitions to be correct
you make me feel like a little girl in love
when I walked home the other day with you in mind
I floated all the way
my mind drifts to you and the pain
the intoxicating pain put there by years of hurt
and years of bad desicions
the pain that once took up every part of me is gone
and all I can see is your light.

For you

Despite what at first glance seems like a love poem....it is anything but. Look deeper as you read...do you see the word love????This is about how things surprise you and only when looking back do you see the way things truly are.



the memories they trickle down
like a tear upon my cheek
a whisper of what it was
I thougt you meant to me
as I sit here now and think of only you
I wonder what it was that first drew me
that very first spark
that stupid brown shirt you always wear
the microphone that sometimes cought your voice
the light as it bounced from
your smile to my eyes
and yet it was unseen
untill today I did not know
I didn't even think to ask until this very second
do you miss me?
that day is the clearest in my mind
as I fumbled with my guitar
and you conviced me
to try harder
and try harder I did and everything felt right
when I was beside you
and we were singing but were we
I feel even now as if I was just watching
watching my heart do things without me
and informing me later of it escipades
you being the greatest
yet I didn't notice
I didn't see until now all that my heart held
and still holds in your wake
I can see your eyes so full of light
dancing with laughter and mischief
as you came up with oh so many
new ways to make me laugh at my self
and how surprised you were when I did
it's funny how you still do that
and I still willingly bend in tune
like this is some weird dance never to be completed
but what you didn't know and I didn't see
was your light swallowing me
into the depths of the place
stuck somewhere between what was and what is
and there is no what might be because
it would ruin the time we have to dwell on that
to dwell where we ought not go
where all I see is your face and
it looking as me without the light
with hurt and uneasiness
and every time I get a chance
I wonder even though I shouldn't
do you miss me?

before

Is this confusion something new
its cause seems to trace right back to you
to the hope and dreams and fears long past
to something that might forever last
long before you it begun
before on you my heart was hung
before the time of circumstance
before my soul began to dance
before your voice it made me shiver
before your words they made me quiver
before I longed for your gaze
before this passion beagan to blaze
is this confusion something new
because it seems to trace right back to you

just love

sometimes I think that all this is for nothing
then I remember who sent me here
what they did to get me here
and I forget about being selfish
and just love.

Uncertainty

Have you ever been so sure
of one thing until someone comes along
and changes you view of the inmoprtant things
in life and suddenly
your gaze shifts
to
them
they are the one thing you have been
searching for all along and
you never knew it
yet all this time you have been planning
for something bigger
could it be with
them
then you stop and pause and think
what if I'm wrong
is it just a passing feeling
or is this one here to stay
will I infact change everything
based on this one face
this one look
based on
them
or will I go on
do what is expected of me and finish the race
the one I started not knowing where it would end
or who I would have to be
should I be her and change
or me who I have always been with
them?

Where

Where does the time go
Beneath the sand
beneath the snow
I think that is flows from
the same place my love for you does
a never ending ever changing
unpredictable spring welled up within the
deepest core
A core that two people alone have the key to
and I am neither of the two
you are one and HE is the other
there is no one else in this dance of time
in this flight of fleeting glances
stale romances are all but a whisper
this time I want more
this time I need more
more love
more you
more time.